awakening to source

Back in the day, I wonder if I could have entertained this quest—looking for ways that Source or spiritual energy show up in my daily life experiences and encounters with people. Could I have seen heaven on earth? I’m unsure. Even with diligent searching, my mind would have been consumed with thoughts, mostly concerning the “doing” of my day, the daily schedules, judgments and drama. How would I ever find Source amid all of these? Naturally, I would have needed to prioritize differently or something would have been left undone.

 

Everything was important, or so Ego told me. With four wonderful children, I juggled. Ever-mounting stress made me consider, just a passing fancy, what I might let go of and how. Yet there was only so much time, and it was essential that everything run smoothly. The kids’ dad paid the mortgage and utility bills, juggled finances, and taught and coached. I was the foundation for homework, piano lessons, laundry, cleaning, social calendar, and meals. Together, we shared getting the kids to sports practices and games.

 

My day as a corporate trainer began early, and I always seemed to be playing “catch up” as the day unfolded. Family dinner was usually a casserole, or hot dish as Midwesterners referred to it, and I rarely had time to sauté the onions and garlic. Church Choir and Confirmation teaching rounded out my responsibilities, along with four nights per week of supper club waitressing. I decided it was easier not to think about how to keep up with activities and responsibilities and just act on what needed to be done. I was on a treadmill where slowing down, let alone stopping, was not a choice. How would I have time to look for Source?

 

This was my life, thirty years ago—probably not too dissimilar from that of mothers today. I was aware of only one interpretation of Source—an almighty God that was “out there,” someplace where I might aspire to live my afterlife, should I survive the responsibilities of parenting, jobs, sports and community. For me, there was no other way to see Source. As I lovingly carried out my responsibilities, I was truly asleep to any other possibilities beyond my immediate world.

 

In my fifties, the kids left for college, one-by-one, and I was face-to-face with myself. I began to wonder Who am I? Do I have a purpose beyond the rat race? Is this all there is? My inner life was changing, and my outer life no longer matched or even complemented it. After much thought and listening to my heart, it was time to honor my inner voice, make some changes, and walk a new path. I divorced, began a new job that offered benefits to part-timers, and began studying New Thought spirituality. My soul soon felt nourished and uplifted. After several years I remarried, enjoying an equal partnership through common values, emotional support and creativity.

 

It was then that I began to learn the nature of integrating body, mind and ego. Only in hindsight did I realize that Source was in the thick of things in my life all those years ago. It was my inability to see. Perfection, arrogance in that I thought I knew best, and control were hallmarks of my cloudy vision.

 

Over time, I understood that I needed to meet life in the moment and stop worrying about the past or fearing the future. Everything was exactly as it needed to be, all was well, and a much greater plan of divine wisdom was unfolding me. Slowing down to reflect on my life and reassessing my thinking helped me to feel gratitude for all the people and situations that had contributed to shaping the person I am today. Equally important is the big picture. I learned that times of challenge revealed my positive, as well as negative characteristics; times that were comfortable indicated how much I had grown.

 

How reassuring that Source is in everyone and everything. It’s up to me to see. My vision is becoming clearer. Source or spiritual energy has been there all along, I just didn’t realize it. The decision to spend time in contemplation gave me an opportunity, an opening, to seek Source. Adding some “being” rather than only “doing” woke me up.

 

 

In the quiet moments: It takes a certain amount of life experience to gain wisdom, an on-going process. Gift yourself with some time for solitude and let your innate wisdom reveal how Source has been in the thick of things throughout your life.

 

 

© 2015 in the thick of things

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